Feelings!

A few weeks back I had written a post titled “Facilitation”. The post was about insights I had gained from facilitating multiple workshops over a two week period.

In this post I explore functional insights I gained during one of these workshops.

This workshop was about people management – what are our responsibilities and challenges when it comes to managing our teams, and what are the effective ways of managing in different situations.

There was an acknowledgement that some areas are greyer than others (disclaimer – most areas around people management are grey J). I would list out a few of these “greyer than grey” areas:

• For a given position, what do we hire for? A related debate is about what is trainable and what is not. I have often found that the more relevant question is – what is a manager willing to train a new joiner on? The answer to this question determines what we hire a person for.
• How do we go about collating data during an interview? How do we make a hire/no hire judgement at the end of the interview?
• How do you know whether the developmental needs identified are the relevant ones (those that need to be worked on)? How do we work on developmental planning?
• Organizations encourage and reward individual performance (bell curve, etc). How do we ensure collaboration and team work in such a scenario?

There also are some usual flash points – about which everyone has strong opinions. The only problem is that these opinions seem to polarize around seemingly intractable opposites. These include:

• Attitude or Aptitude – what matters more?
• What is the scope of developmental discussions? Should it be offered to everyone or to identified groups/individuals? What is the aim of development?
• Do individuals need intrinsic or extrinsic recognition and to what extent do they need such recognition?

For me the “AHA” moment came during a heated 15 minute period of discussion. A participant said:

“The key is to understand that we, as managers, are an active contributor in a difficult situation. Our actions, to a certain extent, determine the actions/reactions of others too.”

I was intrigued by her observation. I asked her to elaborate further. She added:

“We need to be attuned to our feelings in such situations. The way we react would be determined by the way we feel. If we can identify our feelings, may be we can change our behaviour. That consequently may lead to a chain of fruitful exchanges.”

I experienced a WOW moment when she said this. There was pin-drop silence in the room for about 10 seconds post her observation.

Her point resonated with quite a number of participants. I would jot down some interesting comments I subsequently heard.

• “When someone resigns, our reaction would be determined by how we feel. I feel rejected and that makes me feel a bit angry.”
• “When I try to have a developmental discussion with an individual and he doesn’t respond, I feel exasperated and pushed back. I subsequently stop trying.” Someone else said “But that’s not always true. In such situations I feel incapable and that makes me go back to the individual and try harder. Everyone wants to develop. It is just about tapping the right source of energy.”
• “We are heading a team but we don’t have the final say when it comes to resources or many people related decisions. We are sandwiched somewhere in between. How does that make us feel? Can we acknowledge this reality, our feelings, and still take responsibility for what we say and do?”

Attunement to our feelings in a given situation is the basis for initiating change in our behaviour. When the hand of one extends out to clap, what are the chances that the hand/s of others won’t?

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Sourav